I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
