totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
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I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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