those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I think my moral compass just broke
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
