Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
