life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
