I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
