Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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