Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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