Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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