Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
