Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
