Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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