I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
