Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I want a musical about memes.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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