Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
