I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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