I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
