yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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