I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
