my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You took a bar mat shot.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
