Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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