Apparently you make a good broom.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
