The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
