who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
