if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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