Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
