new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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