She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
did i just pee glitter
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
