Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
