so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
