just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
