Princesses don't give blow jobs
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
