You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
