Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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