I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
