I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Found the puke drawer
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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