mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
