Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
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