Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Sober January is a disaster.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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