ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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