Kiss
Puke
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
