So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
