just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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