I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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