Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
