Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
