Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
