He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
