im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
where am i from again
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.