he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
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Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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