Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
