Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
