So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize