Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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