I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
