At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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