I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
