mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
