Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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